how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize