you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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