I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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