i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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