Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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