the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
