On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
