my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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