you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
