I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I believe in your delicious
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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