you win again, gameday.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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