I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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