every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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