I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
