Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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