Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
