Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
