last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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