i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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