You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
