I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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