I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
