when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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