the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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