I look better un-naked...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
