My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Every concussion has its silver lining
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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