just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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