Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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