have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
