Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
