Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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