My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
