god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
