I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
