I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
