I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
