So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
