4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
