She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
