I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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