She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
