I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
