I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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