my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
