So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When are your genitals available?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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