No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
