I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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