Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
As shirtless as possible
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize