we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
