Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
