She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
