i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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