ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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