the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
