I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
