So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
