I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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