There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
