apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize