I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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