Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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