I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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