im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
