Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
