Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
40s are totally the cure
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
