I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize