she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
