I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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