If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize