I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
