Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
